Had a bit of a panic today. Talked things through with my adviser and Dad, and I’m going to make another advising appointment. I can’t handle the course load as it stands; my degree path is overwhelming and it isn’t supposed to be but I’ve already done all the classes meant to ease the pain. I’m going to switch to part-time. It won’t hurt my ability to get a degree, and it’s just a change in billing - it’s not like I’m in a rush to graduate. I mean, in my worst case scenario, I’ll be homeless in April anyway. Going to part-time won’t affect that.

I really wish UNH would let me register for the classes I need. I register after freshman because I’m a transfer, I need junior-level classes but I have sophomore-level credits… This is ridiculous. When my adviser is sitting there saying “okay you need these classes, but you’re probably only going to be able to register in two of them, oh well I guess you’re fucked,” there is a problem. When having one lab is overwhelming me with the work of three classes, there’s no way I can take three or four of them at the same time. My greatest fear is another stress-induced psychotic episode. Guess who can’t think clearly or rationally today and been having migraines from gritting her teeth. Something’s gotta give, and I won’t let it be me.

I refuse to fail at this. Things will work out. I will make them work.

It seems the more social sites I use, the less I post here. I only have so much to say! Some of it fits in less than 140 characters! I am not a terribly interesting person.

Planning for Christmas presents is hard when you don’t have money. I know that I’m going to burst into tears when I start getting presents. I have trouble accepting gifts even when my head is in an okay place, but when I have little money I get into a certain mindset where I’m not allowed to get things. So accepting presents is… hard. I know, boo hoo, people want to give me things, children across the globe would love to be in my shoes - but it’s distressing for me. I want to give gifts, I want to be the one saying “here, I know you’ll like this, I thought about it and it’s perfect for you,” I want to at least reciprocate… I’m not sure I can. I’m trying to save up what little my car and bills don’t eat up. It’s not much. I was thinking of making paper crane ornaments but… that’s so lame. What use are they? They’re not even pretty. They’re just paper on wire.

I have to come up with something. Just… for my own sanity.

Not gonna think about this any more today. It’s too upsetting. I’m going to do homework and clean and write and find my happy place again. I have a whole weekend before me with nothing terribly pressing to do, and I am going to enjoy the heck out of it.