I don’t remember my dreams often, but when I do, they are AWESOME. Last night I dreamed I was the PR person for the Decepticons. Mostly I made videos of them and posted them to Youtube. I remember deciding not to moderate or respond to any comments, so they tended to run the gamut from OMG ALIEN ROBOTS HURR HURR to actual thoughtful discussion of stuff. You know, as the Internet tends to do. :D I forget how I ended up with the Decepticons to begin with, but I was trying really hard to stay in Megatron’s good graces so that no one would squish me.
So let’s see, the videos… mostly interviews. I started out with stuff like the history of the war, which was very exciting because the dude explaining it did the neato hologram thing from the first Bay movie, where it makes your environment appear to change. So I got to basically see the highlights of the beginning of the war. There were some speeches, a lot of stuff blowing up… A glimpse of sparklings being killed, I think by Sunstreaker. You know, the usual atrocities. Get some sympathy points going. I did another thing with the medic, not sure who that was at all, but it ended when a ‘con got rushed in missing a leg and screaming in pitches the human ear can’t hear. It was really kinda disturbing and sad. He died, actually, and the medic started cursing and took a minute before starting to dismantle him for parts. I think I cut that last bit, thinking most humans would be disturbed by it. My first significant interview was with Barricade, talking about why he chose a police cruiser for his alt-form. It was a very interesting discussion about class and authority and how people react to police and just general human psychology. He wasn’t very into it, though, he’s a pretty quiet guy and didn’t see the point in talking to me.
Eventually I tried to interview Starscream, but he was having none of that, and he wasn’t afraid enough of Megatron for me to trust that he wouldn’t squish me in annoyance. So I figured the best way to talk to him was with his trine, Thundercracker and Skywarp, and I managed to catch the three of them and got them talking about flying. That led to talk of the skyshows they used to put on before the war, and I had a short clip of them showing off from someone else and Skywarp started bitching about how he could fly so much better now, ugh, so I tried to egg him into showing off… Starscream was still grumpy as heck though, and argued that energon rations were strict enough that wasting energy in a silly display like that would be outright dangerous. I started thinking about how rationing and near-starvation would make them a little more sympathetic. For some reason I was getting an energon ration (idk, it was in the rules or something that everyone gets a ration) so I offered it to Skywarp so he could show off, which made Starscream a little happier. So we ended up outside, watching him fly and taunting him into even more insane tricks, and I got Starscream and Thundercracker to talk more about flying and travelling through space and Earth’s gravitational pull and atmosphere and everything.
Megatron was a total pain. I mean, he’s Megatron. You don’t just interview the guy, he’ll growl about destroying your puny planet or something. So I ended up getting him way out away from everyone else, on a nice hill, and scrubbing the rust and dead starfish off him. He’s not exactly the type to remember that he can accidentally squish the little human with the slightest movement, so it was kinda nerve-wracking getting the gross, icky starfish out of his chest - no seriously, I had to get like half my torso in there and if he moved at ALL I’d be missing said half of my torso. But we got to talking about why he started the war, about ideals and what’s worth fighting for, and about the destruction of the Allspark, and about restoring Cybertron. It was a nice warm spring day, bright blue sky and big fluffy clouds, so after a while I ended up putting aside the steel wool and just lying on his chest watching the clouds. I was thinking this is it, this is the video that’ll make everyone think the Autobots are lying bastards, because after millions of years of war the Autobots (rather correctly) saw Megatron as just pure evil trying to destroy everything, and here I am, a squishy little human, lying on him and pointing out bunny-shaped clouds. I was being so careful with what I said so that he wouldn’t go off about destroying planets or the human race or whatever - because I knew he really did feel that way, but I didn’t want humanity to know it. I was pretty cool with the destruction of humanity, actually. Humanity pretty much sucks.
There was more after that, about finding Skyfire frozen in the antarctic or something, and Starscream… softened around him, became a little more likeable, a little less enraged. And then Skyfire’s eventual switch to the Autobots… For some reason Thundercracker went too, and it devastated Starscream and Skywarp. But these are Decepticons, you know, the only response they knew to loss was anger. And eventually the Autobots had Skyfire and Thundercracker fight alongside them, flying with the Aerialbots, and it was a big important battle and Starscream and Skywarp were supposed to give aerial support to the ground troops but instead they went straight for Thundercracker (Skyfire was up above the cloud cover still, holding position over the Aerialbots’ formation) and just completely ignored the damage they were getting from the Autobots. Just completely blind with rage. So the poor Aerialbots are trying to get them off Thundercracker, because 6 against 2 should not be so dang hard, and Skyfire starts firing from above and Starscream just shoots off after him, leaving Skywarp to take on the five Aerialbots and Thundercracker by himself. The ground troops are starting to fall back, and Megatron still hasn’t engaged so Optimus is wiping the floor, and then Megatron engages the Aerialbots. I cannot even describe the difference between the way they fly - the Aerialbots just scattered around him, slightly uncoordinated but absurdly agile, and he just powers right through their formation. They’re faster and more agile, but he’s more powerful and has far more experience - and he’s not afraid to transform mid-air to catch them, which they didn’t expect. He caught one - Fireflight, I think - and slammed into the ground with him in hand. He didn’t kill Fireflight, though - just plucked off his wings before being distracted by Optimus and roaring off to fight him, tossing Fireflight aside like he was nothing.
And then I woke up.
